This is football
This is fiction
Or is it?
Eh aye it is
Welcome to a new year on the blog that defined football writing in 2012 (according to my mum anyway) and to celebrate we’re going to introduce a new character. You’ve already met that foul mouthed wanker ‘the fictional footballer’ well now it’s time to bring ‘the fictional official’ into your world.
The lack of dialogue between those who watch the game and those who enforce its rules is a bugbear for many of us. Thankfully I, and I alone, can solve that problem, and because this is all in my head, no-one’s authority will be challenged and no egos will be bruised (except mine when I look at my site views).
Seeing as the fictional referee is new to you all, what we’ll do today is just a quick chat, basically to get a flavour of what this figment of my imagination is like in (not)real life.
BallsBoobs&Blow: Hey there fictional official, welcome to the wonderful world of football blogging, how are you today?
Fictional Official: I’m fine thanks, and can I just say it’s great to be here, I can’t wait to use this platform to try and increase the understanding of what life is like for us ‘men in black’.
BB&B: Well it’s great to have you here, and what a nice change it is to have someone with some manners, that ‘fictional footballer’ was very rude.
FO: Can’t say I’m surprised, all footballers are scandalous cunts.
BB&B: Oh right, surely not all of them?
FO: Yep every single one, without exception. In fact I’ll let you into a little secret, there is a school of thought amongst us officials, that footballers aren’t actual human beings, but that they are in fact a sub-species who look like humans, talk like humans but aren’t human, they are some kind of evolutionary quirk with hugely enhanced levels of “cuntery”.
BB&B: Okay haha, that’s pretty funny, and people say you guys don’t have a sense of humour.
FO: Oh it’s no joke, we’re deadly serious, Phil Dowd knows a guy whose well into his science and that so we’re going to get him to do some of those experiments. Trust me footballers aren’t humans, and we’re going to prove it.
BB&B: Moving swiftly on, you clearly aren’t overly keen on footballers but I feel expanding on that any further is going to lead us down a dark and confusing path, so apart from footballers what’s your football related pet hate?
FO: Oh that’s easy, those smug bastarding pundits. I fucking hate them.
BB&B: Yeah I’m sensing the hate, any particular reason that punditry gets you so worked up?
FO: Plenty of reasons, first up none of them know the rules but still feel they have the right to criticise us, secondly some of them are really mean and most importantly, the majority of them used to be footballers, and as we’ve already asserted that makes them non-human uber cunts.
BB&B: I was hoping to avoid the whole ‘footballers aren’t human’ stuff if I’m honest, but I certainly agree the majority of pundits could do with brushing up on the rules, and yes some of them can be a little nasty with their criticisms. Are there any pundits in particular that really ‘get your goat’ or are they all more or less as bad as each other?
FO: Well I fucking hate all of them but yeah there are a few who I’ve actively considered killing.
BB&B: That seems a little on the extreme side, but any chance you feel like identifying those who are driving you to the brink of murder?
FO: Don’t see why not. I’m not real anyway so the chances of me getting arrested for this are pretty slim. I’ll start with Merson, he’s a fucking degenerate junkie, in what twisted reality is it acceptable for him to criticise me? Then there’s that big nosed prick Phil Thompson, he’s basically a moron, Steve Claridge is probably the worst thing ever to exist, ever, Garth Crooks is crazy, as in ‘eats his own shit’ crazy and then there’s Robbie Savage, who whenever he comes on the telly I actually pick up my set and physically throw it out the window. It’s getting a bit expensive but when that fucking cross dresser pops up on screen I just can’t control myself.
BB&B: You know what; I’m going to put a stop to this, because if I’m honest it’s getting weird. You Mr ‘fictional official’ are weird.
FO: In my defence I’m a figment of your imagination, so if I am indeed ‘weird’, then you only have yourself to blame, you’re the fucking weird one. Weirdo.
BB&B: Fuck you.
To be honest the rest of the interview descended into a not particularly sophisticated display of ‘name-calling’, it’s probably best we pick this up another time, when everyone’s calmed down.
Keep an eye out for more from ‘the fictional official’, and you could always say hello to the chap that runs this site, he doesn’t have many friends and would appreciate the company, find him wallowing in his own self-pity on twitter.
Oh and for no real reason here’s the video of Robbie Savage getting hit in the face, see you didn’t waste your time reading this article after all.