As human beings, our time upon this planet has been characterised by a desire to solve the problems, and overcome the obstacles that have appeared on our path to progression as a species. Where did we come from? Why are we here? What part are we to play in the rich history of this planet? In answering, or attempting to answer these great mysteries, we have enriched our understanding of our place in the universe, we have improved ourselves.
Of course there are many things still way beyond our comprehension, which is fine, it is our duty to attempt to comprehend the previously incomprehensible.
It is one of these great unanswered questions to which I turn my attention this day, a question asked by many but never satisfactorily answered. It has become known as ‘The Mark Lawrenson Question’ and it boils down to this, who or what, is a ‘Lawro’?
Now after some extensive research, years of study and many moments where I came close to chucking it all in, I can now present to you the three main competing theories. I cannot claim my 1000s of hours of work have produced a definitive answer, but I am sure we are now closer to solving the mystery of ‘Lawro’.
I will outline each of the three most promising theories, I have expressed a personal preference, but in the main I believe you should be allowed to make up your own mind. One thing I will say is that there is now an acceptance amongst the scientific community that ‘Lawro’ is not a human being as we know it.
The Evolutionary Branch Theory
When we think of the process of evolution, more often than not the image that comes to mind is the one that adorns a million posters and t-shirts, the neat progression from monkey to man. While this is a nice idea it is not an accurate one, the process of evolution involves many unsuccessful and often bizarre divergences, sub-species if you will. The pioneers in the evolutionary field were often flummoxed by fossils depicting quite extraordinary creatures, bearing no resemblance to any previously known living thing.
This theory proposes that ‘Lawro’ is one of these evolutionary quirks. Whilst he almost resembles a ‘Homo-Sapien’, he is let down by his inability to perform even the most basic of mental tasks, including analysing a football match, and choosing a shirt that doesn’t make the entire nation feel dizzy and a little sick.
An interesting theory I’m sure you’ll agree.
The Extra-Terrestrial Theory
It has been said, that religion is a disease inflicted upon humankind by a hostile alien race, in an effort to stunt our development as a specie, so that when they eventually get round to invading, we will be easy prey. The ‘Extra-Terrestrial’ theory follows a similar (if less sinister) thought process to explain ‘Lawro’.
According to the proponents of this theory a devious alien race wishes to exert its authority over the rest of the universe by winning an intergalactic football tournament. Having scouted all the known life supporting/football playing planets they quickly identified earth as their most dangerous rivals. This is where ‘Lawro’ comes in. From his seat on the most high profile football show on the planet he is being used by the aliens, as an agent of misinformation, crushing tactical innovation with his withering put-downs and pouring scorn upon any individual with the merest hint of technical ability. This alone would be bad enough, but it is also believed that ‘Lawro’s’ mere presence in the studio or on the commentary gantry is being used to dilute our love for ‘the beautiful game’. The more screen/air time given to ‘Lawro’ the weaker our planet becomes as a footballing force.
The aliens are desperate to get their hands on the inaugural Universal Cup and ‘Lawro’ is their secret weapon.
I has also been theorised that the true purpose of those infamous shirts he/it wears may either be to transmit messages to the mother-ship, or they are some form of mass hypnosis device.
There is some debate amongst supporters of this theory as to whether ‘Lawro’ is an actual alien or is merely employed by them; however those who claim he is from another planet do have one hugely persuasive, and possibly pertinent point, HE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING ALIEN!!!!
The He’s Not Real Theory
There have been instances in recorded of history of ‘mass hallucinations’, rare instances yes, but still just about frequent enough to be of interest to a scientific mind. This final theory proposes that ‘Lawro’ does not really exist; he is merely the figment of our collective imaginations. Incidentally this is the theory to which I subscribe (although that doesn’t mean much as I am quite mad).
The idea behind this is that as a nation we need a hate figure, we need a bad guy. The simple concept of the best bits of a selection of football games, delivered to our television screens in one neat package is too perfect for us. We need something or someone to moan about, and who better to fill that role than a miserable, poorly informed, unjustifiably smug twat, or as we know him, ‘Lawro’.
It is almost inconceivable that a creature such as ‘Lawro’ could exist, and furthermore it is completely unthinkable that the BBC would use the license fee to employ such a hateful individual. ‘Lawro’ cannot be real; we must have made him up. In our desire for a good old moan, we must have made him up.
So there we have it, ‘Lawro’ is either an evolutionary quirk, an alien (or employed by aliens) or a figment of our imagination. There are other theories out there but to be honest they’re all too outlandish to be considered. You have my opinion, but I will allow you to form your own from the evidence I have put forward today.
If you have anything to add to this debate please either leave a comment below, or get in touch via twitter. The search for the truth will go on.