This is football.
This is fiction.
Or is it?
Eh aye it is, probably.
The other day something really quite strange happened to me, I was abducted by aliens. Now, some of what went on aboard the mothership I’m not particularly comfortable sharing at the moment (the probing, oh the relentless probing, why all the probing?).
Now, it transpires they are planning an invasion and seem pretty intent on wiping out the entire human race, but after explaining their reasons behind this (I’ll reveal them at the end of the article if your still reading) I’m not entirely sure it’s such a bad thing, so I’ll not be letting anything slip that might compromise their mission. What I am prepared to divulge however, is just how fascinated the ‘men from Mars’ are by the game of football.
At this point you may be wondering why out of all the billions of humans, all the great minds that dwell upon this earth, they chose to abduct me. Well it turns out it I was identified as a leading football expert and thinker (stop laughing) and was chosen for my ability to educate them about ‘the beautiful game’.
In between rigorous probing sessions (just what do they expect to learn from doing “that” to that particular body part?) they quizzed me on the game we love and why we love it so. What follows is a transcript of that exchange.
Q. Okay puny human just what is this game of “football”, you worthless scum worship so fervently, all about?
A. Well first of all “worthless scum” is a little harsh! But to answer your question it’s a sporting activity where a team of 11 men attempt to score more goals than a rival team of 11 men over a game that lasts for two halves of 45 minutes.
Q. Ah, and what weapons are used in the pursuit of these “goals”?
A. Erm, no weapons allowed mate, although there are those who would consider Alan Huttons tackling and Charlie Adams passing as instruments of war.
Q. No weapons, how pathetic. I presume then that the teams these gods of war, Adam and Hutton represent are the most successful and feared in the land?
A. Not really, in fact both play for Scotland and to be honest their roundly considered to be pretty shit.
Q. How Strange. Anyway, in these games is there an adjudicator?
A. Yes, he’s called a referee, although when I get back I’m going to try and popularise the use of ‘adjudicator’ instead!
Q. This referee, he must be a hugely respected figure, beyond reproach yes?
A. Not so much, referees are often subjugated to chants questioning their professionalism, their impartiality and their parentage. To be honest the best a referee can hope for is to be a figure of fun rather than of hate.
Q. Does this mean even the referee is not permitted a weapon?
A. Well he has yellow and red cards he can wave in the face of any misbehaving player. Thinking about it ‘weaponising’ the officials might not be the worst idea.
Q. The participants in this game appear to be worshipped as Gods, I presume they represent the absolute pinnacle of your otherwise shit society?
A. Hmm, not really, in fact a good few of them are utter pricks and the vast majority are moronic, bordering on mentally and emotionally retarded.
Q. So why do you revere them so? Surely not just due to their ability to kick a ball into a net?
A. That’s a very good question. The answer to which makes me a little bit ashamed to be a human.
Q. You should be ashamed, your entire race is pathetic. Now we understand each team represents a specific geographical area, is this correct?
A. In the main yes.
Q. So then it can be deduced that the ‘fanbase’ of these teams is made up exclusively of residents of that area, yes?
A. Not quite.
Q. Ah yes your race often re-locates for reproductive purposes, in that case they would take their team allegiance with them and pass it on to their offspring, is that what you mean?
A. Kinda, but quite often people support teams to which they have no geographical or ancestral ties. It is more common to support a team based on their potential for success than any other reason.
Q. That is ridiculous and merely confirms our suspicions that humans are a selfish and short-sited stain upon the universe. One final question, what is this Sepp Blatter creature?
A. Not a fucking clue pal, in fact I was banking on him being one of you!
So there you have it, me trying to explain football to an alien. What’s that you say? You want to know why they’re planning to invade and wipe out our species in one fell swoop? Okay I’ll tell you. You know how the Mars Rover broadcast that Will.I.Am tune the other week? They REALLY REALLY did not like that!