A Day in the Life of an Internet Troll

There is a sub section of the human species whose rank have swelled in numbers in recent times. I talk of course of the infamous ‘Internet Troll’ or ‘keyboard warrior’. But are these individuals really the bottom feeders of humanity or are they simply wholly misunderstood, delicate souls who just want to be loved? To find out we are going to spend a day in the life of a ‘troll’. Enjoy.

10am – Shite start to the day, mum overcooked my bacon, told her she’d let her family down, she’s greeting now, fucking pathetic.

11am – Right time to get to work. Well when I say work I mean scouring the sites and blogs looking for cunts whose writing is not to the standard I absolutely demand, or even worse cunts whose opinion differs ever so slightly from my own.

1pm – Fucking jackpot, it’s been slim pickings today but here’s some fucker who reckons gay footballers should be encouraged to come out and should be supported if they do so. I leave a comment on the site calling him a ‘militant poofter’ not sure that’ll get past the moderators but worth a shot. Not that I’m bothered about pissy comment sections, nah twitter is where the true ‘troll’ shows his worth. I track the fucker down and go to town on him.

2pm – Here we go, that homo lover has retweeted me calling him a ‘jobbie jabber’ and all his pathetic followers are going off on one, telling me I’m ‘the scum of the earth’ and a ‘nasty attention seeking little shit’. Oh and look at that 100 new followers, just for telling some poof a few home truths, God I love ‘trolling’.

4pm – Nip to the shop for some crisps, they’re out of T-Bone steak Roysters, I tell the shopkeeper I hope his kids get AIDS.

6pm – What the fuck is this? Some prick who claims to support the same team as me has spurted some guff criticising my beloved clubs transfer policy. Some shit about having spent £100million and being no closer to challenging for the league title! Well this is fucking treason, everyone knows we are the victims of a mass conspiracy in which the FA, the media and probably loads of other cunts are complicit. Oh he is getting trolled, he is getting trolled like he has never been trolled before.

8pm – That felt good, I was especially proud of the ‘I’m going to petrol bomb your fucking house you judas prick’ tweet. Simple and to the point, when you’ve only got 140 characters to tell someone they’re a cunt there’s no space for linguistic nuances.

10pm – Hmm something’s not right here, my twitter account has been suspended, and what the fuck is this? There’s polis at the door, mum’s speaking to them now, they’re saying something about ‘viable death threats’ and she’s telling them I’m just a daft wee boy. Who the fuck would want to kill me? Wait a minute, they’re making out I was the one issuing the threats? What kind of country is this when you can’t even tell someone you’re going to kill their whole family without some do-gooder interpreting it as a fucking death threat?

10:01pm –  Right before I’m dragged off by the fucking establishment hear this, I will never be silenced, wherever there is a viewpoint expressed which I find even mildly disagreeable I’ll be there, wherever there is a bunch of cunts trying to have a reasoned debate I’ll be there. I am the voice of truth and I will be heard (as long as I get my twitter account unblocked and my mum doesn’t ban me from using the laptop again that is).

So there you have it, ‘trolls’ are not misunderstood, delicate individuals, they are as we all suspected, just bawbags.

Then again as well as being bawbags, they are also in the main, teenagers, and all teenagers are of a similar level of angry bawbaggery (I know I was) so maybe just maybe locking up these little fuckwits is not the best use of police time? There is a nasty little fetish amongst some of the twitterati just now that involves them policing the site according to their own ‘rules’. Yes if the abuse is particularly awful suspend the account, but to change the course of someone’s entire life with a criminal charge on the basis of what they typed whilst an angst ridden, self-loathing and probably horny teenager is something that I find really quite appalling.

Find out what else Alastair has to say by checking out his twitter account, no trolling now!


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