There are plenty of well researched insightful Euro preview articles out there, this is very much not one of them.
Poland: Polish players have been relatively successful in Scottish football and a few of them have been stark ravingly mental. They beat England once and the commentator went off on one shouting about Thatcher and that (actually that was fucking Norway wasn’t it? ah fuck it I’ve written it now). Anyway, we like Poland.
Greece: Rangers fans will feel a certain kinship with the Greeks, both sides play in blue and both sides threaten to destroy the very structure that supports them through their financial profligacy. Also, Celtic’s part-time footballer, full-time model Giorgios Samaras leads the line and he, if nothing else has nice hair.
Russia: Hibs once sold Garry O’Conner to a Russian side -Locomotive Moscow – for a considerable amount of roubles, so for that, as a nation we probably owe them an apology.
Czech Republic: They beat us at Hampden with the help of a scandalous penalty, unless they play England the entire nation of Scotland shall be wishing them nothing but abject humiliation.
Netherlands: Their liberal attitude to drugs and prostitution means they can forever rely on the fervent support of the Tartan Army. On a side note, as a friend once told me, combining high strength cannabis and sexual intercourse would suggest there are a lot of unsatisfied prostitutes in Amsterdam (I realise this may not be at the top of the list of their workplace grievances).
Denmark: Ehm… that Bendtner chap seems like a bit of a knob. Bloody hell, it’s hard to have an opinion on Denmark!
Germany: My enemy’s enemy is my friend. England hate Germany, therefore Scotland likes Germany, simple as that. Having said that, we still haven’t quite forgiven them for sending us Berti Vogts and his particular brand of bumbling, mumbling incompetence.
Portugal: Nice golf courses, lovely weather, Ronaldo is a bit of a twat.
Spain: The holiday destination of choice for any fair skinned Scot looking to turn a shade of red not usually found in nature or stock up on fags and “baccy” (I once worked with someone who would go to Benidorm for a holiday and then return mere weeks later on a “fag run”). Having faced them in qualifying, they seem to play a different sport to us.
Italy: Invented pizza, we invented deep frying (probably) then combined the two to create a national delicacy. For their contribution to our national cuisine alone they deserve our support.
Republic of Ireland: A nation that shares our penchant for alcohol and violence, the natural “second side” for many Scots. And I got them in the sweepstake at work.
Croatia: Their manager smokes, plays guitar in a rock band and has an earring, what more could you want from an international coach?
Ukraine: They play in yellow, I find when I wear yellow that wasps seem more interested in me than I am comfortable with. That’s all I’ve got to be honest. Oh actually, they’re all racists and anti-Semites according to the BBC.
Sweden: Their women do not look like our women, all tall and blonde and that. Revolutionised the way we buy furniture (editor: this is meant to have something to do with football remember?)… Oh ok, well their main man Zlatan Ibrahimovic is mental, brilliant, comical, awful and violent all at the same time – he also shares my birthday – so for him alone they are surely worth watching.
France: A nation who once seemed invincible, their previous arrogance and swagger has yet to re-emerge after two consecutive maulings at the hands of the mighty Scotland. Their only crumb of comfort is that they will not come face to face with players of the calibre of Gary Caldwell or James McFadden this summer. Could just as easily win it as go home in utter disgrace.
England: It’s not much fun being a Scottish football fan, in fact it’s quite depressing. The spectacular balls up of international tournaments made by England sides throughout the ages is our one source of amusement. Yes it’s a bit sad, yes it doesn’t paint a particularly pretty picture of our national psyche, but fuck me it isn’t half funny. Although this year we see in the England camp a man after our own national heart, in Andy Carroll England have a player who’s dedication to lager and bad haircuts – to the detriment of his chosen profession – makes him almost an honorary Scot.
So there you go that’s what Scotland thinks of Euro2012
(editor: at least stick some predictions in there or something!)
Oh alright – Italy to win, Lukas Podolski to be top scorer, Gianluigi Buffon for player of the tournament and Roy Hodgson to do some weird face rub/head banging thing on the touchline from which his reputation will never recover.
This article originally appeared on the sadly departed Football Project